Taking Drastic Action To Get Sexual Experience If You Can't Do It Yourself

This article is inspired by a documentary program I watched a while ago called Virgin School. It followed a 26-year old virgin named James as he received treatment from a pair of sexual surrogates over the course of a few months. His therapy culminated in him losing his virginity to one of the women.

Sometimes older virgins get to the point where they take more drastic actions to get sexual experience and to put themselves on the road towards a more normal life. I've seen this topic debated quite often on discussion forums devoted to Involuntary Celibacy (i.e., Incel) and Social Anxiety. The most controversial question is whether it's worthwhile for a longtime virgin or "incel" to pay for sex. There are plenty of opinions to go around, both for and against.

On message boards focused on picking up girls and seduction, this topic is much more taboo. The unwritten consensus seems to be that if a virgin puts enough time and effort into learning how to pick up girls, then he'll reach his goal eventually. Paying for it would mean failing or giving up.

This article will discuss some of the more drastic actions a very sexually inexperienced guy may take if he feels he won't be able to meet his sexual needs the regular way (e.g., meeting, dating, and hooking up with a woman on his own). Here are the ones I can think of:

The two most discussed:

And some other ones:

Reasons why someone may or may not want to take more drastic actions

There are middle-aged virgins out there, so not every person feels the need to do whatever it takes to get sexual experience. Some reasons I can think of for going this route, however, are:

Some reasons why someone may not be inclined to take "drastic actions", mostly in regards to paying for sex:

Seeing a prostitute

Most older virgins have probably contemplated hiring an escort. Even many sexually active guys who are in the middle of a bad dry spell have given it some thought. This is a really controversial topic. On one hand, seeing a prostitute is a sure-fire way for a guy to have a sexual encounter. It may be helpful for some individuals. But there's a big potential downside as well. The experience may not solve anything, and prostitution has a lot of sketchy baggage surrounding it. There's no easy answer to whether this is a good option:

Pros:

Cons:

Some of these pitfalls are probably exaggerated somewhat (e.g., the risk of catching something is minimized in areas where workers are regulated and have frequent health checkups), but they're still totally legitimate reasons for being put off by the whole idea.

From reading various anecdotes it seems there are types of guys who do and don't benefit from paying for sex. Middle-aged virgins don't seem to get much out of it. Their problems are too great to be affected by a handful of paid encounters. And their issues are often about much more than the fact that they've never technically had sex, so having some of it won't cure them. Also, they're more likely to want a real partner, something seeing a hooker can't address. It's not uncommon to read accounts of unhappily celibate men who say, "I'm in my late thirties. I've never been in a relationship, though I have seen a handful of escorts over the years." Another common sentiment is that an older male who has never had sex and an older male who's had sex once with a prostitute are essentially the same thing.

There does seem to be a subset of guys who might get something out of seeing a sex worker:

I've read a handful of anecdotes from guys in this situation. One had some opportunities to lose his virginity, but kept blowing them. Eventually he got impatient with struggling to get sex on his own, threw in the towel, and visited a brothel. After experiencing what sex was like, and that it was no big deal, he had an easier time meeting women in the future. He was happy with his decision, but other people pointed out that if he was that close, he could have been months away from getting it himself anyways.

So yeah, controversial topic. On one hand you've got the potential for instant gratification - the option is always there - but there are a host of potential pitfalls. The next option also isn't for everybody, but doesn't have as many negative aspects.

Seeing a sexual surrogate

This section is mainly a summary of what I've learned about the practice from various online sources. I'm sure I've got a detail or two wrong. If you want more information yourself, check this site: International Professional Surrogates Association

A sexual surrogate is someone who works in conjunction with a therapist to help a client with their sexual difficulties. The surrogate is 'hands on' and fills in for the role of a regular partner. The majority of people who see them are men. Late-life virgins and premature ejaculators are the most common clients.

The guy in the documentary Virgin School sees a pair of sexual surrogates, and if you can track down a copy of the show, you can get a sense of what it's like.

The surrogate may do sexual things with the client, but that's only a small portion of what seeing one entails. Depending on the client's needs, no sex at all may occur. A larger proportion of time is devoted to discussing issues, gaining familiarity with touching and intimacy, sexual education, and learning social, communication, and lifestyle skills. In later sessions, if the client will seem to benefit, the surrogate may engage in kissing, foreplay, manual stimulation, and oral and penetrative sex. In all cases, the goal of these physical acts is to help and teach the client, not for him to "have a good time." The therapy may be rewarding as a side effect, but it's not intended to be like a visit to a prostitute, where the interaction is focused around the man getting sexual pleasure.

Surrogate therapy progresses gradually. Typically the client will see them for an hour a week, for around thirty hours in total. A more intensive 1-2 week schedule will occur if no surrogate lives in the area, and the client has to travel to see her. Things start slow and gradually ramp up to more "advanced" activities, for lack of a better word. Throughout the whole process, the client also continues to see his regular therapist to discuss how he's progressing, and to talk over any issues that the surrogate therapy has brought up. The psychological and emotional aspects of the client's problems are addressed as well, it's not only about getting used to touching a woman firsthand.

The surrogate may not be the client's ideal physical type, but this can be useful as well. An inexperienced man may have overly picky or superficial requirements in what he looks for in a woman. Being with a less-than-perfect female allows him to learn more about what 'real' sex is like, and that someone's physical appearance isn't the only factor that's important in intimacy.

Sexual surrogates themselves report that some of their clients go on to have happy lives and relationships, though not all do. Virgin School closes by telling the audience that James has not had sex again since losing his virginity to the surrogate. It's that same old story, just having sex once won't magically throw your life into order. The biggest issue for past clients of surrogates is navigating the dating world and meeting women on their own. Some of them still have problems to work out in that area.

Seeing a therapist about related issues

An inexperienced guy may not want to sign up for sexual surrogate therapy, but may feel that seeing a mental health professional will help him get over issues such as a lack of self-confidence, past hurts, general anxiety, specific fears, and a lack of social skills. Addressing these concerns may indirectly help his problems with women.

Seeing a therapist is the right choice for many people. It's not nearly as controversial as paying for sex (with either a prostitute or a trained surrogate), but it still carries a stigma in the minds of some people. They see seeking help from a counselor as a sign of weakness or personal failure. You can't just see any therapist either, you need to take some care in order to choose someone who you click with and who seems like they can improve your situation. Another downside is the cost. Not everyone can afford to pay for regular sessions. The same issues applies to sex surrogate therapy as well.

There are different schools of therapy, with medication also being an option. I won't get into them here as this article is more an overview of different "drastic options".

Traveling somewhere where it may be easier to meet women

Most Western guys who have gone to Japan to teach English will tell you that it's easy to hook up with Japanese girls. Not only that, but a nerdy guy who wouldn't be looked at twice in his home country can do quite well for himself there. Other countries have similar reputations. For whatever reason, a guy's stock is higher in those places.

Traveling can also increase your opportunities if you go to a fun, party vacation spot. I experienced this when I went backpacking in Australia. I had more opportunities to meet women not because I was Canadian and all the girls automatically loved me because of my accent or whatever, but because I was meeting so many other travelers as I jumped from hostel to hostel. Everyone was away from home and looking to have a good time. It's hard not to do better when you have the situation working with you like that.

Another factor is that sometimes foreign women don't seem as intimidating. They don't have all the baggage attached to them that women from back home do. They may even have positive stereotypes attached to them that makes approaching them less stressful.

Finally, no one knows you in the other country. At home you may have felt constrained by the expectations and assumptions other people had about you.

Traveling like this could be an option for some guys, mainly younger ones who don't have other commitments and feel brave enough to tackle the change that goes with visiting a totally different culture. Traveling is also a worthwhile experience for it's own sake.

One problem is that if a guy from a richer country visits a poorer one, then sometimes the main reason he's doing so well with the ladies is because they see him as a meal ticket and a means to possibly escape their impoverished circumstances (or to just have someone giving them money for a week). I don't think most guys evilly and purposefully set out to trick foreign women by falsely promising them a better life in order to get easy sex, but sometimes they unintentionally exploit the power imbalance between them and the locals. Just something to think about.

Using your culture to help you more easily get a woman

This one will be more obscure to the site's Western readers. I've known a few guys who were originally from places like West Africa or India. While living in Canada they had no luck with women, and eventually fell back to their cultural traditions in order to be provided with one. I knew one West African guy who moved back to a small village in his home country where he could easily find a bride. The Indian guy did something similar and asked his family to arrange a marriage for him.


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